Weldon Fest.

I am just getting back to normal after a heavy weekend on the pop. On Saturday Jen dropped me off at the pub in Weldon as she was the photographer at a wedding reception. On Friday I had acquired a ticket to Weldon Fest which is a local music festival (in Weldon, surprise surprise) and a load of local bands play. When we got there the party was in full swing. May I just say, the sunshine brings out a LOT of weirdos who were mostly all in one field, including an adult who had visited the child's face painting stall. Can you spot Tigger? It's like an episode of Where's Wally.

I know. It also brought out the underage drinkers and the policemen to catch the underage drinkers.

We met up with our chums Zoe and Trish. These girls were highly organised. They had brought cheese, pate and even crackers as well as toilet roll. Tracey was my guide for the day - she knew everyone at that festival. She even knew the girls working behind the bar which is why I was so hungover on Sunday.  Anyway, Tracey was in awe of Trish's organisational skills and struck a pose with the toilet roll as the centre piece.

There were a lot of sunburnt chavs at Weldon Fest. I'm predicting that this woman slept sitting up that night and the dude with her appears to have wandering hands. And moobs.

Eve and Tash were also at the festival. Here is Eve looking relatively sober and showing off her shiny new tattoos.

She did not look like this at 10pm. The last image I have of Eve that night is falling onto a table full of drinks and stumbling out the pub door to sleep it off.

I'm loving the all in one polka dot jumpsuit the woman is wearing behind me in this pic. Had I seen her at the time I would have asked for a full frontal shot.

Finally, there were 2 woman who parked up next to our area and were spaced out on God knows what. You could've walked on top of them and they would have been none the wiser.

Note the leopard print hat on her drunken legs. And now note the hat I somehow (and can't quite remember) acquired once we hit the pub later that night.

Taxi Driver Jen came to pick up the drunken one after she had finished her shoot. She said it was the first time in five years that she has been sober and I have been drunk and I apparently talk absolute shite when pissed. I thought I do that when I'm sober too.

Excellent day - not so excellent morning after. Yuk.

My Innocent Piano Teacher.

I have a new love.

I've played the piano since before I could walk and I love playing anything and everything. I've not played the piano for over 10 years and I'm back to playing and it's keeping me quiet in the corner of the room with my headphones on and muttering the odd swear word when I get something wrong. Jen say's she's loving the peace and quiet.

Anyway, yesterday my mum has sent me down a couple of my old piano books. One of them was my Grade 8 examination book and I was looking through my piano teacher's notes. I came across a piece by Brahms and had to do a double take.

Mrs Chandler was obviously not happy with my finger placement on the keys and wrote me a reminder at the top of the page so I wouldn't forget.

"There's nothing like a good fingering" she used to say. I nodded and agreed at the tender age of 13. At the ripe old age of 28, I still nod and agree.

Cheeky Monkey's.

This afternoon we went to Jen's nephew's birthday. Alfie was 4 today and he had a party at Cheeky Monkey's.

As soon as I arrived I took off my shoes and went off to play. Jen was embarrassed by this but I still made her take a picture of me in a tube. I caused quite a backlog of toddlers at the entrance to the tunnel to take this shot.

The kids were then called in to the Space Room to have their lunch and they were very excited to hear they were going to get a visit from Mr Cheeky Monkey himself!!! How exciting!! Even I said wow.

Well, it turns out Mr Cheeky Monkey didn't want to be there at all. It is said that a picture can speak a thousand words...

It looked like Mr Cheeky Monkey had just arrived at the gates of Auschwitz.

Naturally to embarrass Mr Cheeky Monkey even more, I asked him for a photo. And by 'asked', I really mean 'forced'.

I should have offered to be Mr Monkey, I would've made those kids run around the room so much they would have been sick. If I'm ever made redundant I know where to go.

Superhero Armstrong.

I have tinnitus. It's annoying. I also get a lot of problems with my ears. Recently I've turned into a superhero and have the amazing ability to hear my own heartbeat and blood pressure. I also hear Jen snore like a trooper at night and I hear Mr Turtlina scratching the floor of his vivarium through brick walls and 3 doors. The Doctor at the ENT clinic today agreed that I have increased auditory sensitivity which is making my tinnitus unbearable at times.

What made it 10 times worse was when he decided to 'hoover' out my ear. Firstly, I'm very ticklish and although I was laughing during the procedure it hurt, especially when he sucked on my ear drum 'by accident' because his 'microscope had died'. Thanks. Add that to my already infected ear and I was not a happy Rachey.

So my ears hurt more by the time I left the clinic but he prescribed me more drugs to help me sleep. Here I am. Sad. With sore ears and a prescription.

So to cheer myself up, I needed to buy myself a treat. I went to ASDA to get the ingredients for tonight's curry (chicken and spinach) whilst Jen went off to a photo shoot and accidentally wandered up the whisky aisle.

I'm a lot happier now. Thanks to the Isle of Jura single malt whisky!!!!!

I decided to open it after I'd got the dinner on (which is exactly NOW).

F*cking YUM. Yes, I'm an old man and I love it.

Not only does it taste like love, but it will numb my hoovered infected ear pain and help me sleep. 3 in 1.

Glug. Glug.

Wedding!

My cousin Ellie got hitched to Steffan yesterday. We now have a Welshman in the family. The rain held off for most of it and twas a lovely day! The reception was held in a village parish hall just on the outskirts of Oxford.

If you zoom in on the above picture, you will see me.

I hadn't seen some of the family for absolutely ages and ages. My cousin Emily was there looking very smart with her posh frock and umbrella.

As was my cousin Cathy. She had recently had a little bit of an accident whilst making burgers at home. The breadcrumbs had jammed her blender, so Cathy stuck her hand in the blender, forgot she still had t'other hand on the button and sliced her finger. Almost off.

Ouchies. My brother and his fiance also attended and we snapped this pic with Ma Armstrong.

Annoyingly, I was driving. I sneakily had a drink before the ceremony in the pub opposite the church and then a glass of champagne at the reception but was then on God's Holy Water for the duration of the evening. I was not impressed as there were CRATES of my favourite red wine. Crates.

The best bit in my opinion, was an entire marquee dedicated to cheese and cake. There was enough cheese to feed an entire army and I was in heaven (although my waistline wasn't). Mumsie was too busy eating cake to bother opening her eyes for a  photo.

To offest the massive amount of calories on my plate, you can see I also had 2 grapes on there. Rachel 'health conscious' Armstrong at your service.

It took me 2 hours to get to Oxford that morning but only an hour and 10 minutes to get back. This was due to knowing that there was a pint with my name on it back at my village pub. 

I drove my pissed brother and Anna back and they also came to the pub. Let's compare 2 contrasting images taken last night at the Green Dragon...

And today at lunchtime at the Green Dragon...

Naughty alcohol. 

Excellent wedding and excellent family catch up time.

Mumma A in Da Town

I picked up Mummy Armstrong from the train station after work this evening. She has come to Brigstock as we're driving to Oxford tomorrow for my cousin Ellie's wedding. 

We had dinner (jambalaya - my fav at the moment) and then I gave Mumma A a demonstration of my iPad. She was gobsmacked. In no way is this picture staged.

(yes, my Ma is wearing one of my hoodys. Abercrombie & Fitch isn't one of her staple labels she commonly wears).

Whilst we were looking in awe at the amazement of the iPad, Cleo attempted to outshine the iPad by pulling the gayest pose ever performed by a cat.

What a poof.

i.Bake by Eve

This is Eve.

For those of you who can't tell, she is Jeni's identical twin.

When they were younger they both dressed up like girls.

When they got older, they decided they didn't like dresses anymore.

Eve is quite a cook. I'd describe her style as.....experimental...

Another thing Eve likes to do is to design bespoke cupcakes. Her Facebook page, i.Bake by Eve has become a bit of a hit and she is pretty f-ing good at making cupcakes.

Here are my personal favourites:

Recently she has come up with a new flavour and design, blueberry and yoghurt or Yogi Blue. When I got home today, I saw these on the side and was looking forward to trying her new flavour being an official taster and all. Jen on the other hand, had a different plan. This is because Jen is a greedy b&stard.

I got one in the end and it was deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeliscious.


Thanks Eve!!!

Mark and Jim and Mark and Helen's Birthday Drinks.

Yep. 4 of my friends have birthdays on the 6th and 7th of June. At this time each year a joint piss up is held at various locations around London. This year, we descended on Kennington at a bar called the Grand Union. Charlotte (aka The Chucksta, The Papsavator, Chucky P, Granny Paps) and Helen (the birthday girl) wore their girly dresses.

I did not. I dressed up by wearing a t-shirt and jeans just like my boys, Jimmy (a birthday boy) and Franco (not his birthday).

Now Kennington is not a part of town I'm familiar with. In fact I've never ventured to this part of London before and I now know why I never ventured to it.

Reason no. 1 why never to go to Kennington: Homeless psychopaths.

This one liked to finish off drinks that had been left on tables whilst singing songs from his walkman. He also took a liking to Abby and told her all about his appendage and if she would like to see it.

I'm not sure why, but she declined his kind offer and he shuffled off down the road.

Next up was the arrival of a fellow Northerner, Vicky (aka Victorious Coombage).

Vicky arrived at the bar in style. Reason no. 2 not to go to Kennington: Serial Killer Taxi Drivers. We were all outside having a few drinks when up rocks this clapped out, hearse-like Volvo estate car and Vicky and her mate almost fall out of the car in an attempt to get away. This 'taxi' was driven by a dude who was born on a boat 'on the way to Halifax' and was asking the girls if they were on their way to a job interview. He drove them to the bar through numerous back allies and they were convinced they were going to die. No wonder that they alighted from the taxi at lightening pace. It's a shame I didn't get a pic of the volvo as it was the strangest looking taxi I'd ever seen in my life. It had a sticker on the back window that said taxi, thus making it official and legal although I think the word taxi had been spelt wrong.

Reason no. 3 not to go to Kennington: Alcoholic 74 Year Old Singing Men.

This guy wasn't so bad but he did like to wave his walking stick around and I got hit on the leg whilst posing for this pic. He left us singing about world peace.

After a few more beers, the boys attempted to pull off one of their signature poses. They were attempting to recreate this pic that Jen took at Helen's wedding almost a year ago:

It didn't work.

Myself and Nanette also attempted to pull off the pose. 

Didn't work. Too many beers.

The last pic of the night was of Vicky. She saw me about to take a photo and jumped into the photo and shouted 'BLOG!!!' at full volume, so naturally, it must appear on this page.

Excellent photo!

Teeny tiny hangover was eliminated by a chai tea latte at Kings Cross early this morning.

And a MAMMOTH Sunday Roast myself and Jen devoured at our local pub once I got home. I decided to wear a mature, non-offensive t-shirt for the occasion.

Excellent times.